i freaking dislike being home.
reminds me of what i'm not, and what i will never be.

my parents need to give me some space and know that i cannot handle their presence at certain times.

why. can. they. not. understand. that?


I WANT TO BE IN SAN DIEGO--JUST AFTER ONE FULL DAY.

holy smokes. what has happened to my relationship with the parentals. and the brojam. GAH. JESUS, i need some healing, quick! I need to know that I'm not a terrible person for struggling with this kinda stuff. AND I want you to dwell in this family. in this household. i am miserable here, and i am in desperate need for a change of heart. (which only you can give..)

today is a good day

Man, feeling happy has been something that I've been struggling with. Naturally, I just am a sad person, kind of looking like I'm happy and joyful 24/7, but kind of having this resonating sadness/sorrow within my heart. Seeing the bad in things (loneliness, abandonment) has always stuck with me..I was just so blinded by my insecurities and the things that I lack in, that I was unable to see what was really before me.. an undeniable joy that only comes from God. No really, to know in your heart of hearts that God is the one who brings you joy in this world. The only one that can restore your soul to its entirety. Wow. Lately, I've just been feeling like God wants me to know that he can make me whole. In the cracks and crevices in my heart that have been created from disappointments, failures, and broken relationships, he just finds a way to glue the pieces back together and make me whole again. God is such a good God. One who thinks about his children and brings us pure satisfaction and joy. Don't tears just well up in your eyes as you hear the goodness of our father and his never ending mercies? Maybe it's because I'm just an emotional person, but just writing about this makes me all.. quivery. haha. Anyways, I just felt lie God tugging on my heart to share this.

So let's all try something new, and be happy people. Genuinely happy, only through the grace of God. :)
[I will try to do this, as I still struggle sometimes..you can keep me accountable. :)]


Romans 5:1-5 says " Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance."

-happysteph.

As I've been spending a lot of time alone in my apartment, I've realized that I need a hobby. Maybe something really outdoorsy, like tennis or hiking. I think I would like that. And I want to go on a lot more midnight walks. =) THAT would be nice! (does anyone wanna go with me?)

Anyways. I've learned a lot about myself this past few months.

About...

..my passive ways of handling confrontations, ..
I need to learn how to stand up for myself. For the majority of my life, my mentality was that as long as I am the only one getting hurt, if it means that others won't get hurt, then I can handle it. That I can bear all things, but other's pain. THIS, I think, is selfish of me to do, because I am limiting the friendship and assuming that all hell would break loose--gotta give it a chance.

..my true developing passion for music and worship, ..

I have been studying so hard for musical theory. I'm not taking a class or anything, but this phase of exploring jazz chords, guitar chord variations, and different diatonic triads, has DEFINITELY got to be the peak of my musical interest and fascination. I thank God everyday for giving me this passion.

..and my bitterness.
I realized I hold grudges for soo long. The little habitual things don't get to me as much as the one BIG thing that someone does to hurt me--and then all the little things start to bug me. I need to learn to just LET GO. (not be such a drama queen)


so these are all the things that I need to work on.

later blogspot.

WHAT A WEEK!

Hello friends!
This weekend/week has been incredible for me. Freaking Jesus healed a lot of my relationships, and I'm so happy that these conversations took place in the late hours in my stingy and cramped dorm room. Hmm. He really brought restorations in my friendships, and I feel so very lucky to have had such conversations. I really pray and hope that God continues to stretch me in these relationships. I already see an improvement and increase in love. This issue has been on for the whole quarter, and just this weekend, all these things were resolved. WAHOOOO. :) praise God. TRULLLLYYYYY. Took me a lot of time, prayer, and reflection, but it all worked out pretty well.

:)
On a sad note, the fine for the flooding at international center is killing me -_____-. I'm not too happy.


BLECH. hopefully, that works out.


ANNNNND DTAB WENT SUPER WELL. wahoo! thanks freshmen for all your hard work. What a privilege working with ya'll! bah. could not have happened with everyone's hard work and cooperation. and dorm team leaders, we really do appreciate you guys, so thanks for everything, and an event or gift will never sum up how much we love you guys. teehee.

Prayer Answered #2

So, for dtab. We needed a projection screen. Just a white screen. This seriously was bugging the crap outta me because i COULD NOT FIND ONE. I kept think that we could get one easily, so i kinda put it off, but as dtab was approaching, i realized... man oh man. we're doomed! So the search begins...
from calls to mfeng and mpark, then calls to joe lee and tara grubb.. this was soooo terrible. I just kept phone hopping, so this didn't work. then i decided i should just go through the media center (being comm major and all) but the budget index number just killed me. turns out we need to get the money from our org budget fund (i know, sooo complicated) so i just decided, this is pure ridiculousness. about to give up, i seriously stood still and i was like...

"God. just one screen. Would you make that happen. PLEASE."
and then the lady on the phone from the media center goes, "you know, if you call the university center office, they can rent you one for free..."

?!?!?!?!??!

so i call the university center, and they say, "yup! you can rent one! just come in and show some id, and you're set to go!"

...."wait, there's no charge or anything?"
"nope! not for student orgs!"

so it was done, and now we have a screen for dtab. =)


JESUS. YOU FREAKING AMAZE ME. :)

Prayer Answered #1

:) God is so good. He totally answered my prayer about Jon and that whole conflict. Yesterday, he asked to talk to me and explained everything to me. He was so courteous and respectful, and i really appreciated everything he said to me. This problem was something that i really really struggled with, and God totally answered my prayers. We had a good long conversation about what went down and how we could resolve everything. I feel so much better, BUT..

There are still things I need to pray even more about. Must have the faith and dependence!

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
-Roman 12:12

Thanks, Dad!

BAH

goodness gracious, how to deal with this problem..
so my roommate rachel has this friend named jon, and he has been quite the pest to me. i just want him OUT of our room and into his own room. he's been sleeping at our place for the last 2 months, and i'm just so sick of it. i'm sick of finding his stuff in our room 24/7. that seriously needs to end. the thing is, i constantly tell rachel that i want him out of our place, but she refuses to listen. i just don't understand where she is coming from in all of this. as her roommate and her friend, shouldn't she respect what i want? i always find him sleeping in our room and freaking playing computer games, and i want him out. i want to see this situation in a different light. in a light where i can somehow, by the freaking grace of God, to understand his circumstances. everyday, my suitemates tell me how sorry they feel for me and how nice i've been thus far in allowing him to basically have a triple....

sigh. this is consuming my thoughts.

on the other hand. i had a wonderful time at staff banquet tonight. i'm so very glad i went. thanks esdough! =) i hate shopping, but i love the stuff that i bought :) teehee.